An Up and Down day

It seemed particularly quiet when lying awake this morning - dull days seem even quieter when no-one is desperate to get out of the house perhaps. I thought I was pretty happy hunkered down here working but there suddenly seems a lack of energy in the air; perhaps it was yesterday's announcement that some of us may be having to isolate for another year or more - that's a long time at this point in my working life, especially if those younger are partying elsewhere...
What do I miss most - there's certainly plenty I  don't, but having to miss out Artists Book fairs and events for a while is depressing; and when will I next see my grandsons - 2 of them abroad - 18months is a long time in their young lives, will my me space fill in and seal over , they are not as interested in skyping as their parents despite their previous love of screen time - I am consoled that they are enjoying playing with real things and seem to be coping well, and like children from earlier times they seem more relaxed...I remember spending a lot of unstructured time in the fifties doing not much at all - except building inner resources perhaps...

Once I got working today I summoned a bit of adrenalin; am working steadily but too slowly, may be good for me but I feel I am running down like an old clock needing a battery...
and there's another thing - my kefir grains don't seem to be multiplying at their usual rate..
and they have been my talisman for good health ever since my dear Artist Book friend Dmitry Sayenko introduced it to me in Russia: we've known each other for over 20 years now, having bonded over a plastic cup of vodka behind a large potted plant at an FPBA fair at the Barbican Centre ( hours before sun over the yard-arm - lordy) - he kindly called me heroic Russian woman, referring I think to the size of my woodcuts and books - and now we probably won't meet up as planned this year at the Book Fair, another small tragedy....
All my children ferment anything that stands still long enough - and people around me seem to be doing the same with their excess time, but I've no grains to spare - I think they must be objecting to
being fed non-organic milk due to current logistics ( grab anything going ) - all these little shrinkages now in daily life....

And now suddenly a dear friend has died - not unexpectedly but still a tragedy - and no chance of a proper funeral or hugging the bereaved.....

One image from The Untenanted Room comes to mind... it was sort of denoting existential angst in the Wasteland I suppose....
aaargh....